CHAPTER 17: They Call It Care, But I Feel Like I’m Losing Myself

My parents did not allow me to stay in Chennai after my PG course. They forced me to come back home. I have no idea what to do now because my dance, everything I learned, my lessons, and my everyday dance practice were all left in Chennai.

Here, I don't get any opportunity to continue what I learned. I don't have a dance class to go to or a place where I can practice and grow.

My parents want me to clear UGC NET and do a PhD. But my aim is different. My dream is to start a dance studio one day. They don't really understand or care about that dream. They only want me to clear NET and do a PhD.

So, I decided to give NET a try. I started studying seriously and joined classes. Slowly, my regular routine completely changed.

Most of my time is spent sitting and studying. I also started working out, but in between, I developed some joint pain. I went to the doctor, and the doctor suspected that it might be related to thyroid. He asked me to take some blood tests and gave me iron tablets.

The blood test showed that my cholesterol was high.

I know that I usually eat healthy food. I feel that one of the reasons this happened could be because my usual physical activity has reduced so much. Earlier, I was dancing and walking every day. Now, I spend most of my day sitting and studying.

My schedule is also very tiring. I have classes from around 7 in the morning until  8:30. Then I have to study before my evening revision class. Again, I have classes from 5:30 in the evening, and because of the extra classes for the UGC NET re-exam, sometimes I have classes until 10 at night.

The UGC suddenly announced a re-exam for the exam conducted in June 2026. Because of that, I also have extra classes. In between all these classes, I have to complete the tests they give us. I also have to do my own studying and reading. Only then can I properly understand and remember the lessons.

So most of the time, I am just sitting and studying.

I have very little physical activity now.

In Chennai, my life was completely different. I could walk somewhere whenever I wanted. I could go to church by myself. I could go to dance class. Even if I had nothing to do, I could go to a supermarket and walk around. If I felt stressed, I could simply go outside, walk for some time, and come back.

I had freedom.

Here, I don't have those opportunities. I don't have anyone to socialize with. I feel very alone and lonely.

I am getting anxiety and stress because of NET preparation, the lack of physical activity, not having dance classes, and not having a place to socialize.

After my blood test, my doctor did not tell me to follow any strict diet. He only told me that because I was eating more eggs, I could avoid the yellow part, the egg yolk, but I could still eat the egg. He did not give me any other food restrictions.

But after hearing about my cholesterol, my family started saying that I was gaining weight in an unhealthy way. They started blaming my food habits.

I am actually very health-conscious. I usually eat healthy food. I don't understand how this happened.

Maybe the sudden change in my lifestyle and the lack of physical activity have affected me. I used to be very active, especially because of dance. Now I am sitting inside the house almost all day.

There is also so much stress and anxiety.

I know this situation is temporary. I have felt something similar before.

Two years ago, after finishing my UG, I was preparing for my PG entrance exam. At that time also, I went through a lot of anxiety and stress because I was worried about getting admission into a college.

Now, when I try to explain how I feel, my father keeps talking negatively. Instead of making me feel better, his words make me more scared.

Today, because my family kept talking about my food, I reduced the amount of food I ate. My mother also didn't prepare the eggs that I usually eat.

Since morning, I have been feeling dizzy and hungry. I couldn't concentrate on my studies. I couldn't study properly.

I feel depressed and frustrated because of all this.

Sometimes I feel like nobody understands what I am actually going through.

My father  says that I should solve everything through my diet and that I should be on a diet for two years. He says that something is damaged in my body because I got high cholesterol at a young age.

Hearing these things makes me even more stress.

I know I have to take care of my health. But I don't want to spend my life being afraid of food or blaming myself for everything.

I also believe that this situation can change. I believe that when I return to a more active lifestyle, when I can dance again, walk again, go outside, and live a more normal life, things can become better.

But right now, I feel stuck.

I miss my dance.

I miss my freedom.

I miss walking around Chennai without having to ask anyone.

I miss going to church on my own.

I miss having somewhere to go when I feel stressed.

Most of all, I miss the version of myself that I was in Chennai.

Today, when I felt completely lost and didn't know what to do, I opened my Bible, hoping that God would somehow give me an answer.

The verse I opened was Sirach 8:17:

“You should not ask a stupid person for advice.”

I don't know exactly why I opened that verse at that moment.

But maybe I needed to remember something.

Not every negative thing people say about me has to become the truth I believe about myself.

Maybe I should listen to the people who guide me with knowledge and kindness, and not allow fear and negative words to control me.

I don't know what is going to happen with my NET exam, my health, or my dream of starting a dance studio.

But I know one thing.

The girl who danced in Chennai is still me.

The dreams I had there are still mine.

And even though I am stuck at home right now, I don't want to believe that this is where my story ends.

When I was staying in Chennai, I was doing well. I didn't have these health issues. I was active every day. I danced, walked, went to classes, went to church, and went wherever I wanted. I didn't even think so much about my health because I felt normal.

But after I came back home, everything started changing. First, I got food poisoning. After that, I started having different health problems and worries. Now I am dealing with high cholesterol, joint pain, dizziness, and the fear that I might have other health problems too.

From my point of view, my life changed completely after I left Chennai. My physical activity reduced, my freedom reduced, my social life disappeared, and my stress increased.

In Chennai, I felt like I was living.

Here, I feel like I am only studying, worrying, and trying to understand what is happening to my body.

And what hurts me the most is that the people around me continuously blame my food intake without realizing what their actions are doing to me. They don't realize that all of this is also happening because my freedom has been restricted and my dreams have been pushed aside.

They don't understand that taking me away from Chennai also took me away from the place where I felt alive, active, independent, and productive.

I had a life there. I had dance. I had movement. I had people around me. I had places to go when I felt stressed. I had the freedom to walk, explore, learn, and continue working towards my dream.

Now, I feel like I am being asked to give up all of that and simply study.

Maybe they think they are doing what is best for me. But they don't realize how much this change has affected me.

I don't just miss Chennai.

I miss the person I was when I was there.