Life in a note book

 So heavy at my chest, difficulty in breathing. Tried Kalyani Mam's manifestation meditation. That music, Mam's voice, deep breathing felt like working out. Felt light. Thought things will get better, but my thoughts, the murderer of peace, started feeling heavy little by little. Deep breaths started becoming shallow. Tears broke out. Finally, it doesn't work.

I started believing it was better to keep my feelings to myself because whenever I spoke about something that hurt or bothered me, I ended up being seen as the problem. Then you told me, "Be as you are," and asked me to promise that I would never fake my emotions or hide my feelings. I promise. But if my way of being changes naturally because of what life teaches me and what people make me feel, that isn't being fake. It's simply growth. A heart cannot remain exactly the same after being touched by the experiences

Disclaimer: only a deep thought mindset can understand this. People label and underestimate being emotional as weak, and glorify being logical as the smartest thing, just because they are not able to understand emotional stuff, because it is deep and deepest. Emotion and logic both have their intrinsic purpose. I feel being logical in every situation will be a selfish way of thought. These logical people are hypocritical. These logical people always feel comfortable with an emotional person—they need that comfort and understanding from them, but never want an opinion or thought from an emotional perspective. Simply, they will say you are weak, you are dumb. But we, as emotional deep thought persons, are also able to understand. It’s more about lack of emotional awareness than intentional disrespect in many cases.

You say that I am ignorant, but I don’t feel that I am ignorant. Maybe it’s because in my past life journey, I grew ignorant towards being ignored. That’s when I learned silence.

I am leading a hostel life from my 11th std; it’s my 7th year in a hostel. I met very few good souls and lots and many and many people who have a human shape but blood and brain like a snake 🐍. Here, I am sharing one of my experiences of living with weird people, from my multiple experiences. One thing I hate in hostel living is someone pushing my clothes like trash, making wrinkles, and making space for their clothes to dry. Because of this, once I had issues with my roommate. I don’t want to reveal her real name; let me name her “Triggera.” It’s because she trashed my washed clothes like waste clothes even though there was a lot of other space to put her clothes, and she didn’t even inform me. Months went by, and it was a 3-sharing room. Both of my roommates used my plate, cooking vessels, and tiffin box and left them without washing for weeks. The plate and vessels that I use for my daily food started stinking badly and were affected by fungus, bacteria, virus, and all. It irritate...

When Did This Place Stop Feeling Like Home? A year ago East Tambaram felt like home. A year ago it was a worryless and peaceful days. I just lived in the present, no past and future thinking. This is the only girl who made me live in the present happily, didn’t give me space to worry about my past and future. The only worry about the future she gave is her final exams are nearing day by day, and she’s gonna leave this place, leaving me alone one day. She is the example of the saying: home is not always about the place we live, but sometimes it’s about the person who we live with. In my 7 years of my hostel life, the one year with her felt like home, and now my home went away, leaving me alone in this place.